Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in a studio in Cardiff, but there's absolutely no one with me. I'm on my own for the first time in seven years.

Normally, at this point of the show, I would say you can text us. In fact, I've said that / every Saturday that I / turn up / seven or eight years / this week is slightly different, ladies and gentlemen / I'm gonna say you could text me because there is no one here in the studio with me. Now some of you will think, "Oh, god. This is gonna be dreadful. Part of ... there is a big part of me that thinks that, I'll be honest with you. And / big part of / Radio Wales / team of production / little window / there's no ... nobody. There's no Lloyd / no Korkey / Tom Wrigglesworth. There's no Barry. There's no __ D__ / normally there's somebody opposite me / absolutely no one there. Listen to this. ... That is the sound of my absent co-host, ladies and gentlemen. Normally, if I ... if I__ stop__ talking for half a second, normally, Korkey would __ be__ in there / with / little / voice / radio / like an over-enthusiastic puppy. But there's nothing there. Listen to this. ... Quite nice, isn't it? It is quite nice. I genuinely quite like it. ... Having said that, you know, I've got two hours to go. __ __ __ __ on the phone, begging people to ring / a little bit later. But, for right now / it's absolutely fine. I've got the newspapers here, the production team have printed off some amusing stories that they've found on the internet, which may or may not be amusing, / emails / what is it? r h o ... / I've forgotten. Now I've got nobody opposite me / forgot what my own name is / rhod.gilbert@bbc.co.uk / uh / that / production team / almost panicked / hear / little click / they were about to say something. You were about to remind me of my own name? / Right. / ... How bad a start is that? With no co-host, I can't even remember my own name, ladies and gentlemen.

Some of you have been good enough to send in emails and text and stuff in the week. Still ... I have to say, on the subject of dreams ... they still seem / coming in / So, let's, um ... let's have a look at some of these. Uh ... "Hi Rhod and Korkey / that one came in the week / didn't it, eh? / no Korkey. He's not here. Korkey is dead. I mean, I don't mean that literally. You know / dead / long live / own / literally __. Don't panic, all right? Uh ... "Hi Rhod and ..." it says / actually / he has got / "Korkey" in brackets / this anyway / just / podcast / discuss__ vivid dreams / Dreams keeps on rolling. I apologize for this. It just keeps on rolling / people / about dreams / kind of / fascinated / doing it / It's all prompted by a couple of emails we've had in the last few weeks, one of which is a lovely email about something __, about being woken up by their husband next to them in bed, who was doing, and I quote, 'a gentle round of applause in his sleep. Uh, that was one. And then the other one was, um ... it was my own story, I have to say. It was about me, a little vivid dream scene / when I was a child, a fox walked into my cupboard, never to be seen again. And, uh ... but they keep coming in, the text and email__, so I'm gonna keep doing / just listened / discussed vivid dreams / as __ __ __ the same age __ __ __, you might remember a programme / early 80's called __" ... Well, this is a good start. I don't remember that. So, I'm already completely lost. Uh ... / imagine / imagine __ nuclear bomb hitting Shefield." That's an interesting concept for TV shows / nuclear bomb hitting Shefield / it was at the height of the cold war / 80's / all pa__d / stuff like that / I'll level with you / who is this from? ... N__, / nuclear / hitting Shefield / never once crossed my mind / say / p__ about it in the 80's / a drastic exaggeration of how I felt. ... Anyway, "... in my vivid dream ...", says N__ "which still haunts me to this day. / a nuclear bomb detonated / UK / all going to die" Definitely. ... "I was running around, trying to find family / saw an enormous tidal wave, the size of several houses (caused by the bomb, presumably)" Yeah, I__ thought so / coincidence / two things / nuclear bomb hit S__ at the same time as tsunami ... that's unusual. Eh? ... Anyway, this / towards / bloke or girl, this? / N__, what are you? / nicest possible sense. ... "Given that I grew up in / says male or female N__ / this was somewhat anomalous / no matter / the whole thing is somewhat anomalous, let's face it. "... I woke up / in __ state of hysteria / just before I died in my dream ..." Huh. / see? That's already an interesting question, isn't it? / I thought / impossible / b__ly / never / explored that fact or examined it / so many things out there, aren't there / I've done TV shows ... you know / TV shows and radio shows / you know, you ask questions ... you know ... __ try to get to the bottom of / probably been done a thousand times, but I / can you actually die in your dreams? / I / impossible. Let me know. Um ... __ __ views on that ... 'cause this person / died twice in their dream / actually / worse than that / died in their dream / N__ says / still petrified / thought of / tidal wave / least expected. The only other dream ..." N__, this person has died twice in her dreams / her ... her or his dreams / female / we do know / twice / the second time / didn't just die, they __ exterminated. / The only other dream I can remember is __ __ __ __ __ through an outside wall ..." Why didn't they use the door? I don't know. ... Oh, __ outside wall. / of course / stairs in the house / just came through the outside wall. Uh ... / __ logic / may not be there. Um ... / the only / dream / may not be there / my bedroom / exterminating me / N__ says / I must have been quite anxious as a child." It does sound / you've been, uh ... you've been killed in your dream and exterminated / but I honestly thought that / you'd always, always wake up at the important moment.

People are telling me to stop complaining __ I'm on my own. I'm not complaining / just pointing out / in case ... in case anybody / you could be out there, thinking, "My word, Korkey is quiet today. He's not / leg / y__y normal way / and, uh ... you might be thinking / nobody's there / that's why / no Tom Wrigglesworth / no Korkey / nobody opposite me. I'm on my own in a ... in a room. / just ... "Hi Rhod / please stop comlaining about / own / love the show." / I'm not complaining, __, I'm not complaining. I'm just pointing it out, perhaps unnecessarily, perhaps too often. Um ... __ __ says, "I've spent three days on my own in a caravan in T__ in the rain." Hey, that's ... that's __ summer holiday in Wales. "I got so fed up talking to myself" this is interesting. "I got so fed up talking to myself on Thursday / argument with myself." / I / is that po(ssible) / I've ever had / argument / think of anybody / sort of / disagree / myself / I suppose / yeah / "... It took me all day ... it took me all day Friday to try and bring myself round." That is a sight I would love to see, __, ... you, on your own, in a caravan in T__, trying to bring yourself round ... after an argument. Uh ... that's not euphemism.

OK. I am on my own today, ladies and gentlemen. I have no co-host, no __ __ / if you will / not sure. I'm on my own. I don't know why. Maybe / rugby / Maybe we forgot / ask somebody / definitely forgot / I forgot to ask somebody and Radio Wales didn't ask anyone, and now, we, uh ... I'm on my own, flying solo for the first time in seven or eight years. So, get in touch, and, uh ... you know, let me know what's happening in the world. I ... I know I have told not to __ for __ last seven or eight years / Forget that. That's the past. We've all gotta move forward. Right? / send in __ email / I'm just flicking through the newspapers and things ... I stumbed here, in __ Daily M__, on something about smell that has caught my eye because there are lots of interesting facts about smell, things I genuinely didn't know, like ... look at this. "The human brain can process roughly ten thousand smells in an area the size of a postage stamp." That's pretty cool. Here's another one. "As it turns out, the phrase 'Wake up and smell your coffee' is more true than you would imagine / do you know why? Because / sense of smell shuts down as well." I didn't know that. I didn't know / sense of smell goes to sleep. I'm sure I've woken up ... I'm sure I'v been woken up by a smell in the past. I'm convinced __ that. How does that work? Um ... it says, "You can only smell things like coffee after you've woken up." I don't know. I'm sure I've, uh ... I'm sure my little nose __ __ started twitching / because it smelt something / anything, uh ... anything dodgy. Um ... "Smell is the most sensitive / that does not surprise me. "Even animals ..." it says here, "... have a favorite smell." I should throw this out as a feature ... What is your favorite smell? / because, nuh ... only because / hey, don't bother / hey / fresh bread / stuff like that / don't bother / fresh bread or things like that. You know, text me / weird one, 'cause I've got a really weird one / talk about it / talk about it? / See? Normally I've got somebody opposite me that would go, "Yeah / shall I? / yeah right / got my own internal monologue. So, shall I talk about it? / I think I will. My smell ... my favorite __ __ __ very odd. My __ ... my favorite smell, __ ... I don't even know what it is. That's the weird thing about it. I don't even know / when it's been raining, and you could be in a street / it's near trees and it's near earth, and it's near leaves. That's all I can tell you. And when it's been raining, there's a kind of weird smell ... I don't ... I don't know where ... I don't know what it's about. I don't know what it's about. But whenever I've described it to people / this is __ bit / probably shouldn't ... I don't know / have to now. I'm committed / but whenever / production person today is ... she / __ __ me / dog / looking at you / this / I'm not saying you look like a dog. I'm just saying / that reminds me of a canine inquisitive ... she ... she's __ __ __ to one side / I'm trying / phrase / as delicately and as ... you know, as sensitively as I can. ... My favorite smell / whenever / street / been raining / earth / there's m__ / there__ leaves / things / "Oh, that's my favorite smell. Smell that." ... I've only ever ... __ __ __ about two or three people in my life / said that to / they've all said / it's the smell__ of bottom / pretty weird stuff, huh? My favorite smell is bottom. ... Production team just came in and said, "Whose bottom?" ... Generic bottom. Generic.

My favorite smell __ __ see, this is / vaguely / weird one / favorite smell / giraffe house at Folly Farm. I cannot ... / only imagine / I can't imagine what positive sweet smells can come out of a giraff house at Folly Farm. I've got nothing against giraffe, I've got nothing against Folly Farm. Bur I can't imagine __ smell __ __ __ __ __ __ a few ... a few weird ones / oh my word. ... my favorite ... my favorite smell is a weird one. This is how this feature's got started / when it's been raining / favorite smell is just a bit ... it's ... it's unpleasant to a lot of people. ... I won't go back over / look, I'm not the only one / some people write in a__sly __ embarrassed to say that their favorite / says / this is from __ in Belfast. "My favorite ... whenever I tell people what my favorite smell is ... / like I'm mad / surely I can't be the only one" / I think you probably are the only one, __, right? / I can't be the only one / See? this ... I ... hhhh ... but then, there is something nice about it. there is something. There is something. You have to admit there is something ... all of us have to admit that in ... / a lot of smells that, superficially, first examination, are unappealing, there's something, something ... p ... nice about them. __ says, "I can't be ... surely I can't be the only one to enjoy the cheesy a__ of my dog's feet. ... They smell like warm cheesy n__s", says __ / that's a very positive / don't ask me how and why. I found this out one day." See? Bur there __ a log of people / this is from __ / joke or not, I can't even tell, because ... because ... cheesy / pretty / chicken's armpit / is that ... is that possible / I don't know who that's from / anonymous / we've got a few normal ones / looking for weird ones you're ashamed of / cheesy / feet / I can sort of see it. I can sort of see it / as disgusting it is, it's kinda quite nice.

Lots of people writing in about / fact that I'm on my own. There is no co-host. Listen to this. ... That is the sound of silence / I can feel your pain __ ..." Uh, who is this from? __ __ __ somebody. / presume / real name / I can feel your pain / situation again / don't hesitate to send an urgent call for help via __ big search light with a Rhod__ sil__t / batman style, I guess, "... into the South Wales skies" ... Um ... do you know what? I was thinking about that today / found out / own today / just talking into a vacuum like this / normally somebody / not today. And I ... / I thought, should I audition? Maybe / audition people / send __ in / why should / do you wanna co-host the show? I mean, you know, somebody might. You never know. __, ... he says he'll do it. Just / I'll be your f__ / need a f__ / but / he says / you're quite right / another person / hey, Rhod, this is terrible. For the love of god / get someone else in there with you. There has to be someone in the BBC building / pick / at random. Why can't / producers / jump in with you. Today's terrible. All the best." from Dave in Germany. Thanks, Dave / thanks for the, uh ... thanks for the words of, uh ... words of support / own / I don't blame you, mate. I'd do exactly the same thing if I was you / absolutely right to pick me up on it. Um ... we've been talking about __ embarrassing favorite smells here. I'm not ... / can you stop / realize / I've already ... I've alreay gone back to my old self. I started off / please / I'm on my own." Now / I've already ... I've already reverted / style / don't bother sending in boring emails ... 'cause people are going, "My favorite / bread / is a rose or something. Who cares about that? We're after embarrassing favorite smells that you are ashamed of or you feel genuinely reflecting some ... some very odd way about your ... about your psychology, you know, make you a bit of a psychopath. Mine? I've told you. Mine is very unpleasant for a lot of people / after it rains / trees / I can smell something / smells of bottom / my favorite smell. What does that say about me? Eh? "My favorite smell was my best friend's house" says Stephany in Ohio. ... Everyone, by the way, today, is __ing / from abroad / should / which is why / presumably / co-host today. But everyone in the rest of the world seems to be listening. "Hey Rhod ..." See, this is ... this is the kind of thing we are looking for, the kind of thing__ / embarrassed / best friend's house. It was a mix of her mom's perfume ..." Nothing wrong with that / cat litter / right? __ __ __ "... and something else I couldn't / put my finger on / cat l__ being / one / of / to my friend / one time / __ was offen__d that I suggest__ / house smelled of anything." Oh, come on. I think she's too sensitive / house / too sensitive. I've just read you earlier / read you earlier some facts about the human nose. Right? The human ... / we can process roughly ten thousand smells in the area the size of a postage stamp. So, if you don't think your whole house smells of anything at all, then you are dreaming. Right? ... Here's one. Here's one. Look at ... this is the kind / I don't want / show / fine / whatever / weirdly / not / weird one. This is one a lot of people will relate to. This is one that a lot of people will go, "Huh, yeah, that's my favorite smell. I like that smell, too." / after those / weird ones / my favorite small / raining / not when / not when there __ trees and m__, but when there's lots of tarmac around such as in a car park or school playground / I tend to only notice the smell when it's been / very quick rainshower which falls on dry tarmac and it's followed by the sun coming back out / very / you can't name it / I don't think it has a name. / smell / That's __ __ one of those things / you just have to describe / but everyone gets that one / primary / says here / stop yourself from abandoning your class / run / playground to breathe it in after it rains __ __ the smell is always strong there. Uh ... Jenny in __ that / everyone's got that one / rains on tarmac and then the sun comes out on it / everyone has that smell in their ... you know, in ... up their sleeeve, right? That's not kinda thing we are looking at, um ... but we're looking for __ weird ones.

I've been ringing around / rang a few people / somebody to bounce off. Uh ... I do anyway. Eh? / hell of a time / on my own / luckily / your ... your wonderful text_ and emails / not / I realize / outdated. Uh ... "Hi Rhod. Just to confirm / after hearing / recent text about dog feet being __ nice smell / this is / just joined us, / basically / I confessed, earlier in the show, to having __ __ revolting and embarrassing / other people think / revolting and embarrassing / favorite smell / unpleasant / many / repeat it / ここでは繰り返さない。聴き返したい人はポッドキャストを聴いてくれ / listen / again. Do whatever you want, um ... but it's / embarrassing favorite smell. Right? / other people think / something / pretty embarrassing / favorite smell / Is that cryptic enough for you? Um ... "Hi Rhod" Uh ... then somebody else wrote in / I'm looking for embarrassing favorite smells / lots of people / look at this / smell of petrol / everyone likes the smell of petrol, all right? / so much that if I get petrol on my hands while __ __ filling my car up / I will sniff my fingers until I've got a dreadful headache / have to stop driving / I can't see any more / I feel sick / that's how much / everyone likes that. Not interested. I'm interested in ones like ... "Rhod, I / cheesy smell / dog's feet / embarrassing, right? __ in M__ says, "Hi Rhod / just to confirm ... after / about dog feet being a nice smell, my daughter went to investigate by sniffing our sleeping Labrador's paws. She did indeed say that they do smell of warm cheesy n__s and are nice-smelling" ... There you go. If you've got ... hey, you want cheering up today, ladies and gentlemen? / dog / go and have a little sniff / cheesy n__ paws. Um ... "Hello Rhod / this / I asked for weird ones, right? I asked for weird ones and __ embarrassing ones and stuff / there's a point where / weird / just ... I don't know ... isn't there? There's ... "Hello Rhod" says Adrian, "K__ __ way / in work in Swansea / as in / keyboard? ... I don't know. "I love that ..." Adrian ... "I love that smell of the rubber finger grips" What are you talking about, Adrian? Ahat are you t ... what ... what ... what is a rubber gri ... you say it / the rubber finger grips", you ... you say it like everyone / maybe they will. Because I'm on my own / vacuum today / I haven't got anybody to say, "Yeah, yeah, you know, the rubber finger grip you get in a __ shop / in __ vacuum. I've never / rubber thing on my finger to aid grip. When / I've got ... I've got normal fingers, right? And, at the end of them, there are lines / finger prints, they call them / I use for grip. That's what finger prints are for, mate / police / inquiries, identifying people. What is a rubber finger grip? Whatever it is, Adrian likes the smell of it. Adrian, you're a freak.

I've done an hour and 45 minutes / told / on my own. Nobody turned up / Lloyd / nobody turned up / phoning __ people / いろんなツテに電話をかけまくっているのだが / and, uh ... the producer __ __ found someone. ... Mr. Tom __ / Hello. / finally, after an hour and 46 minutes / opposite me / it's Tom __, who happened to be in __ G__ Club this weekend / the producer __ __ managed / I've never felt more like a last resort in my life / 最後の手段感がハンパない。/ luckily you __ in the vicinity / friend / if you don't, uh ... if you're not aware of his work, he's in / where have you been / related / of things / nice to have / thanks for poping in, mate, as, uh, ... I'll be honest with you, you __ an absolute last resort. / 来てくれて本当にありがとう。本当に、君に断られたらもう後がなかった。/ Right. / around the bush / there's no point / first choice / we tried Korkey / or somewhere, I think / Greg Davies, nothing / Lloyd Langford ... "I'm in bed." / request / back to sleep / before I did / request / than I am / OK / five minutes ago, and I / other studio / before we rang you, we comteplated / just playing Korkey's answer phone message. / 君に電話をかける前に、コーキーの留守電メッセージでも流そうかって考えてたんだ。/ which / had done / that's / so much of a last resort / right / Tom / work / in / sketch show / very good, which / electric show / appeared / show / Edinburgh this year / a Radio 4 series / maybe 7th choice on this show, but / on Radio 4 / indeed / I / series there, yeah / just finished / a good friend / clearly know / you claimed / listen / I spoke / you / no, I didn't / was great / You lied __ my face / I didn't / I woul never / I rang my mom / said / Rhod / very nice about that show / nice man / what show? __ __ __ anything about it / when you came / gig / I never claimed / your / no way / smell you / my favorite smell is Rhod Gilbert's face / I would never have __ you, __ly or otherwise. / Right. OK. Well, I / I did not / in the eye / came along __ that gig / Edinburgh preview / after it, I / barely / face. I remember loo(king) ... I remember looking at my feet the whole time / here / I'd a phone call / this / You'd a phone call as well? This is unbelievable. I've done an hour and 46 minutes on my own / suddenly the production team / panicking, ringing / barely look in his face / so bad, and ... and __ __, who's on after this / この次の番組に出る / in / marching band / I haven't been that bad, __ I? / anyway / coming in / I was literally just upstairs. / Oh, uh ... / Dave from ... from __ / yeah, I am / dog's feet / is that it? / I've done that / weird favorite smells. Now then / I don't know / much about you / Tom and I go back a long way / I know what a weirdo Tom is / weirdest / hair dryer / I don't think you mind me saying that on air / use / towel, ladies and gentlemen / hair dryer / バスタオルではなくヘアドライヤーで体を乾かすって、どんだけヘンなヤツだ？ / one of those hand dryers in __ toilets / myself / D__ / air b__ / how thin __ you think I am? / his career is / you think he's got a D__ air / in his house / other / are available / some __ __ are better, arguably / no / I dry my full body with a hair dryer in the morning / I also / do you still do that? / I do / in fact, I'm single. So, that's, uh ... / link there / possibly, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah / Tom __, he does, ladies and gentlemen ... I know you / he does / dry / himself / in weird __ ... the smells you are ashamed of / suggest / border line / mine's a bit weird / of course it is. I expect ... fully expect yours to be really w(eird) ... / what is your favorite / Um, OK. I ... I__ suck__ my thumb for many years / still / no / two months ago, and I / since / I told you he __ weird, ladies and gentlemen / true / I told you / weird / I lost a stone, and I stopped / my thumb / at the age of 30 / because / Tom C__ / hair dryer / age of 30 / it's almost a limerick / weird guardian __ __ / you got __ from sucking your own thumb? / you know / touches / your thumb / in general, don't they? I / those rubber tips you were talking about / get yourself some rubber finger grips. __ __ __ Swansea / when / suck / finger / just bored / feeling a little bit lonely / feel a little bit lonely / felt lonely / you're on your own / basically / whenever I wasn't speaking / kind of / my thumb / go in / real problem / often / three or four seconds / like a punctuation mark / use __ __ speech / Good evening, ... __ __ __, ... / but what I do now / this is even weirder. I now lick my hand / where / I smell that / that's even weirder / thanks for this ... thanks for this, production team. I was doing perfectly well when / on my own / then you've sent somebody in who / own / at the age of 30 and now found a new way of comforting himself by licking his own hand. / Your favorite smell ... / thanks for this / your favorite smell is bottom. Is that right? / it's not / my favorite / out and about / and it's rained / leaves / trees / I can't ... I don't know what it is / weird smell is coming from / when I said to people / I think / yes, I think it is / I like new carpets. Do you? / Huh, that's __ / Yeah. But everyone likes new carpets / I was like / element / it was like, "Brilliant. I loved it. It was like, "Oh, here's another day of sniffing carpet. __ __/ brilliant." I barely laid them because I got so trapped up just smelling them. / got / smells like cheesy d__s / why don't you just buy cheesy d__s? Who ... / because, once you've got a dog, / what's the point / buy ... buy the the smell that reminds you of their feet. / But also / if you like / cream / you've got / you've got a choice. __ __ __ __ you know, you get __ __ party packs for / dog foot dip on tap / __ __ __ / T-shirt / you've, uh ... __ production team / just said / ask why __ __ here / I was struggling / all / two-fold, really. Uh, as you know, my show / every week / and I just wanted to ask why I can never have the papers / 'cause / only afford one set of papers / Do you know what? ... / and you / sometimes __ earlier __ cut the stories out / you / notice / I've noticed / this is ... talk about / handicapped in your job, where / I get / Saturday morning / papers / some __ __ the best stories, the things that __ most likely / cut out earlier in the week by you / Daily M__ / sports section this week / most unusual / story / really want / Carmarthen Journal. You nick that as well / I do nick that. But you / before me 'cause / somebody nicks / interesting stories out of the Carmarthen Journal / can't take long / how much has the BBC been struggling / at this point / Holiday Inn Express / I rang them last night / can I use / other places are available / just showing off / you know / I / can I use / no / someone else is using it / 300 / amazing. So, that's ... that's / something

We've only got a couple of minutes left, Tom / you turned up / 40 minutes before the end of the show. / Sorry. Well, / rang / before Lloyd, then that would have been different / didn't / so / available / we would have rung you earlier / always available. You see my career / that is true / for __ reasonable rates, as well / some of the people we __ __ first / 10:15 / through the paper / just / still alive / もう死んだかもしれないやつにも声をかけた / __ __ __ __ / friends reunited __ __ show / back 15 years. ... Thanks very much for coming in, and saving the day, I would say. / Huh. I'll take that. I'll take that. You're right. / You weirdo.

If you enjoyed that, / whole show? Rhod Gilbert live on Saturday mornings / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

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